


A Tensed Confession

by ficklewordsmith, voldeminknowright



Series: The Little Prince and His Lucky Star [1]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 11:34:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17642006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficklewordsmith/pseuds/ficklewordsmith, https://archiveofourown.org/users/voldeminknowright/pseuds/voldeminknowright
Summary: Changmin doesn't like physical contact, especially when he doesn't see it coming. He might even have a mild case of haphephobia (fear of touching or of being touched). His fear of touch comes from the trauma he experienced at the hands of anti-fans and sasaengs in the earlier years of his career. Because of his fear of touch, Changmin also developed a fear of intimacy, both physical and emotional.And there's Yunho, a passionate guy who love to express himself in more physical manner. A pragmatic kind of person who secretly holding a feeling for his maknae.And after being together for years, Changmin and Yunho reach the breaking point. They finally confess their feelings to each other and come to an understanding.





	A Tensed Confession

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for unbeta'd content. All the fics in this series are directly lifted from our RPs, with a few tweaks to bring it out of the context of Twitter. All spelling and continuity errors are ours since everything is tweetboxed (a.k.a. written on the spur of the moment).
> 
> You can follow us on [@PrinceVoldemin](https://twitter.com/PrinceVoldemin) and [@u_know_right](https://twitter.com/u_know_right).
> 
> Original thread: https://twitter.com/u_know_right/status/1038263712451256320

Changmin and Yunho are both busy with their phone, stalking instagram. Usually Yunho will just stalk his sister’s feed to get updated about his angelic niece, Eunchae. Loving almost every post of her. As he scrolls, his thumbs clumsily clicking the activity tabs and something catching his eyes.  
Changmin liked a sensual gay post looking for a sub, it said. So out of curiosity he checked

“Did you just liking that kind of content?”  
“... You’re not the one who post that, aren’t you?” Changmin asking back.  
“You know the answer already.” Yunho replied, still busy with his phone.  
“Do I?” Changmin’s voice comes out dry. And that question from Changmin did surprised his hyung..  
“Or maybe not? I’m not that kind of person for sure.” Yunho stated, firm.  
And Changmin just lift one of his brow. “Well, it's not like we talk about this stuff. But that's... good...? I mean, you can do whatever you want, it's not my business. It's your life--you can do what you want.”

Somehow Changmin’s statement irritated the older guy. “Then why bother asking?”  
“Well, I was kind of freaked out when you ask.”  
“Oh. Okay.” - whatever - Yunho wants to said that as well but he refrain himself to do so.  
“... Why do I feel like I disappointed you...?”  
“Oh, you’re not.” Yunho waves his hand off his face as he stands up, not really look at his maknae.  
“I’m just kind of sad." He went on. "A bit. Because you ask if I’m that kind of person or not and when I say that I’m not, you say that that's not your business. But okay. I can understand that. Goodness, it's post summer but the humidity still this high. I need some air.”

“W-Wait, hyung!” Changmin grabs Yunho’s wrist. “I didn't mean that at all. Please let me explain.”  
The grabs on Yunho’s wrist makes him stop and turn around. He look at his locked wrist then to his maknae. Started with a little sigh, he patch a little forced smile on his face.  
“I know, you mean no harm. But really, it's so hot over here. Let's go out, you owe me an ice cream.”

While the idea of food is usually enough to distract Changmin, it just makes him frown harder this time even as his hyung smiles at him. It just makes Changmin kind of want to run away, but he can't do that. Not when his hyung was upset about something and he was the cause.  
“Since when did I owe you ice cream?” There's no real heat behind the question. Just banter to retain some normalcy.  
“Well, there's a shop near here that sells ice cream and other cold things. They're kind of trying to imitate the ice cream parlors from America in the 1920s…”

Yunho tilt his head to side a bit. He knows better than anyone else what that tone in Changmin's voice means.  
“since...now?” Yunho actually didn't really listen anything Changmin said about that ice cream shop somewhere. He's mind busy thinking about something else that actually still bother him.  
“alright, just show me the way”, he says finally.

“It's just a couple of blocks.”, Changmin says pointlessly as he starts walking and slips his hands into his hoodie pockets, feeling decidedly uncomfortable. He leads them behind the main street to avoid the crowd, though there are still a few joggers and dog walkers in the area. And the Yunho just following the maknae.

“Doesn't that one remind you of Taepoong?” the maknae asks, referring to the brown Siberian husky walking with its owner up ahead.  
It brings back those memories again when Changmin mention Yunho's (used to be) dog. His eyes following the husky's tail movement as he bitterly smile.  
“It's been years since the last time I heard about Taepoong…”  
“That's really too bad... “ Changmin keeps his eyes down on the sidewalk or straight ahead, not really risking a glance anywhere else.  
“I haven't seen Mangdoongie in ages either. The last thing I really heard about her was after her operation.”

Yunho put an awkward smile, almost grinning to the fact that they suddenly getting blue like this. “Yah, are you crying now?” he lowered his head to catch Changmin's eyes and teasingly nudge him.  
Changmin’s so focused on where he's going, he almost trips over a crack in the sidewalk when his hyung's face suddenly appears. He gives a small yelp and jumps a little, breath frozen in his chest. When he realizes what happened, his ears turn slightly pink and he retaliates by bumping their sides together, trying to get Yunho a little off balance.  
“Yah, don't just do that, hyung! And what are you even talking about? You're the one who seemed all sad a minute ago.”

Advanced from frequent falls and trips in every practice, Changmin's move didn't even affect Yunho’s balance. But the complain did cracks him up, before he remember that he need to put that sad act up again until he get his ice cream. He snorts and keep walking.  
And the thing is, Changmin falls for it and easily slips back into that gloomy mindset from earlier. It's hot outside, but the silence just makes him feel cold inside. There's a listlessness about him when he pulls the door open to a shop with large glass windows, wooden furnishings and vintage decorations. He steps in and holds the door open for his hyung, the ice cream display and soda fountains clearly visible from the doorway.

“O...oh…” Yunho literally just drops his jaw once he step into the shop and discover its beauty. The mounted clock even looks the same with the one in his house. He nods as he acknowledged the wonderful interior taste of the shop owner.  
“it's nice…”

Changmin hums in agreement and takes a menu from maitre d's table and passes it to his hyung. Even the style of the text is vintage.  
“They have all kinds of ice cream here, even floats and milkshakes. If you're hungry, they have sandwiches and those small burgers.” he casts a glance at one side of the bar area where the cashier is ringing up orders.  
“Do you want to order now or do you want to sit down first? There are more chairs inside…”

Yunho’s excitement escalates when he get the menu with lots of interesting variations listed. Too much, even he knows he will need the whole day to decide. So he decide to just order now and tapping his finger on his default choice, strawberry milkshake with extra ice cream topping.  
“let's just order now before taking a sit. I want this one.”

Changmin glances at the menu, not surprised at all by his hyung's choice.  
“Their milkshakes are very thick and filling--you won't be disappointed.” he takes the menu and glances at it for a second or two, already knowing what he wants.  
“Okay, do you want to save a table while I pay?”

“Alright, since you pay, please put some fries in the order too” the leader pat Changmin's arm once and leave to find a good spot to sit and enjoy the interior beauty.

Changmin snorts, unsurprised by that as well. He'd actually thought of getting some finger food as well and this was a perfect excuse.  
“As you wish, King of the Stage.” he murmurs just as his hyung leaves.

  
Several minutes later, Changmin finds Yunho's table with their orders. Puts down the milkshake and fries on his tray. He also plops down a basket of onion rings and an Italian soda for himself.

Yunho crossed his arms on the table, excitedly watching Changmin puts everything on the table. He picks up a fry and swipes it into a blob of ketchup before throwing it inside his mouth and pulling his milkshake closer.  
“Thanks, Changdol a.”

Changmin just hums in agreement and stirs his soda, swirling the flavoring at the bottom of the glass and turning his drink entirely green. Instead of lifting the glass, he leans forward and takes small sips from the straw. Similar to how he takes his water breaks backstage. He'd asked for the alcoholic kind, the one with vodka, and it hits him almost instantly. Normally he'd like it, but right now it just makes him feel maudlin. He turns his eyes to his hyung, lips formed into a frown around the straw.  
“I'm sorry.”

Yunho take almost a quarter of his milkshake when a word from Changmin hits him. He lift his head up, slowly licking his lips while looking at Changmin. That somewhat sad downturned lips that is puckered with worry makes his teeth ache. He knows where this conversation will going. Usually he will just joke around to run from this situation but the sugar hit his brain so good to get himself into fight now..  
“And I'm still sad..”

“I'm sorry.” Changmin says it again because seeing his hyung sad, real or made up, also hurts him in a way he can't describe. With the literal half of his life built around helping his hyung succeed, it feels like a personal failure. And the person who Changmin can be harshest on is none other than himself.  
“It's just... when I said what I said, I didn't mean I didn't care, you know? I just wanted to say that if there's going to be someone in your life, I won't stop you. I won't stand in your way unless I feel that person isn't good for you. And even then, I will do my best to put my personal feelings aside and not let them interfere. That's it. That's all I wanted to say, really.”

Yunho take another nervous gulp from his straw as he listen. But the more he listen, the more his heart clenched. But he should've expect it. Changmin always this kind and he hate that fact. He put a palm over his eyes and murmurs.  
“That only someone I want is you..”

For a moment Changmin doesn't say anything. As much as he wants Yunho to repeat what he said, Changmin doesn't want to put him through that--it was like pulling teeth to get them to the point. But if he heard correctly, then it starts to makes sense. His words from earlier, they can be interpreted as rejection, can't they?  
“Hyung, I—” the words get stuck like a lump in his throat. He swallows to dislodge it.  
“I'm not sure that's a good idea…”

Funny enough, Changmin's reply didn't surprised Yunho, though he should admit and embrace the despair he got. This is also the main reason why he never got the nerve to discuss anything near to this topic. He huffs a forced dry laugh as he pulls the straw out and finish the rest of his drink directly from the glass. He's about to debate the younger guy in front of him but he decide to just shut it because he knows it will just make the situation even worse.  
“Alright, so that's really a no..”

Changmin bites his lip because of course that sounded like an even greater rejection than the last, but that's not it. That's really not the reason why he's hesitating and he needs to put a stop to whatever idea might get into Yunho's head right now.  
“It's not you, it's me.”  
He blurts out, frantic and just... miserable. He looks down at the table, unable to meet Yunho's eyes.  
“It's just... You're you. You're amazing and wonderful and just... so good. And I'm just me. And I'm... I'm messed up. I'm not affectionate. I don't like being touched and I... I'm scared. I'm scared to be... intimate…” he feels a sting in his eyes, but he blinks it back.  
“You deserve someone better.”

“It's not you, it's me, you deserve someone better” Yunho repeat it, like a broken record, but colder. He doesn't mean to but he hates everything already to keep his courtesy right now. He should be sad, his heart tell him to just stop and cried out but his brain too stubborn and decide to let the madness win. He reach out to get an onion ring and bump it, yeah bump it, into the ketchup.  
“Who are you to decide what I deserve?” Yunho hate his own dry shaky voice.  
“Oh, right, you're Shim Changmin. The guy that can do what ever he want while I am not.” An instant regret hits right after he finish his word. He drop the onion ring and let it sink in the ketchup before leaning his head on the chair's back rest, facing the crafted ceiling, trying to stop anything that might fall from his eyes. But he manage to excuse himself.  
“I'm sorry…”

Changmin flinches at Yunho's reaction, completely taken by surprise. And when he starts ranting, Changmin's head snaps up, red-rimmed eyes wide in shock, because he's afraid of causing a scene, because his hyung had a point. Changmin told him he can be with whoever he wanted, and when Yunho told him who that person is, he shot it down. It was a slap in the face.  
When everything goes quiet again, Changmin bites his lip and does something which might be one of the stupidest things he's ever done. He reaches across the table and places both hands on top of Yunho's.  
“I think... I've grown to love you a long time ago. I don't know how to do this. Maybe I'm wrong. All I know is that I'm better when I'm with you. I want to be by your side. I want to take care of you. I want to make you happy. But I'm scared of letting you down…”

Yunho’s hands twitched a bit when Changmin slowly touch it, but he didn't pull them away. He squeezes his eyes in despair as he listen. He fill his lungs with air slowly before he sit straight up and leans a bit to the table, sighing, getting lost in the pair or round brown eyes of his maknae.  
“You just did, and you didn't seems like scared at all.” Yunho shakes his head, tired. The sugar level in him is drastically drops right now.  
“please, Changmin. Don't try to pity me…”

And something about that just makes Changmin confirm that yes, this was a stupid thing to do. He just put his cards down on the table and it did nothing. Yunho's words just ripped them all to shreds. It was a bad hand which proved once and for all that he's no good for his hyung. He tried. So many times. He just can't seem to break through. He's tired too.  
“I'm not.” Changmin says quietly. He pulls his hands away and looks at his hyung, the tears clinging to his eyelashes finally falling, but it seems he hasn't noticed.  
“This is hard for me too. More than you can possibly imagine. But I guess it doesn't matter, does it?”

Yunho’s world is breaking down the moment he saw the drop from Changmin's deery eyes falling. Noticing that he just did something awful to his maknae. He grabs his own hair into both of his fists, scratching the head roughly. Leaving his gelled hair irreparably tousled when he finally pulls his hands down.

For a moment Changmin shuts down, a defense mechanism to numb the pain he'd struggled with for years. A fear of intimacy that plagued him since he became famous and the sasaengs scarred his body, as well as his psyche. His therapist convinced him he wasn't broken, but the wounds are still there. He never talked about it with anyone else and perhaps that was his fault. But it hurt when Yunho spoke as if Changmin didn't have a good reason for being afraid to be with him: to saddle him with someone who might not want to have sex with him. Yunho deserves someone who can love him completely and Changmin... might not be able to….

“Changmin…” Yunho bites his lower lips when he got no respond. Changing the nickname, he try again.  
“Changdol a...I'm...it did matters...of course it did matters...I'm sorry...for thinking that I'm the only one who struggled. I'm sorry…for being too selfish and...I'm sorry…” he reach out one of his hand towards Changmin, palm facing up, waiting.  
“Please…”

The endearing nickname brings Changmin back to the surface, just as it always does, and the man in front of him is completely different now. He's apologizing, begging for Changmin to forgive him. That hurts too, but in a bittersweet way that tastes a lot like his feelings.  
“Yunho…” he doesn't realize he's said the name. Just Yunho. And no matter how this turns out, Changmin knows he'll always choose Yunho.

Not because of any contract or obligation, but he knows Yunho is special, his better half, and he'd be a fool to let him go. He did it when it became just the two of them. And now, he'll do it again. He raises his arm and reaches out to the waiting palm, linking their hands together. His voice is a rasp, but he manages it.  
“Okay…”

Yunho burried his face down in relief into his other hand when Changmin finally reaching his hand again. Feeling grateful, he gently rubbing his thumb over Changmin's hand, a hand of someone who does really matter to him, a hand of someone he love.  
“Changdol a…”

The hair on Changmin’s arms go up when Yunho strokes the back of his hand, the feeling so new and... he felt a lot of things. Some nervousness and excitement, but beneath it all was a warmth and tenderness that makes his chest ache. Changmin curls his hand around Yunho's other fingers and squeezes. He sniffles and swallows the lump in his throat as he lowers his head and tries to look at Yunho in the face.  
“Hyung... Hyung, please look at me. I... I'm not going anywhere.”

Yunho swipes any lingered tears from his eyes before he dare to lift his chin up, facing that deery eyes again. Summoning all of his courage to speak up again.  
“Changdol a, listen... I love you. Sincerely. I just want to tell you that. I won't demand anything. Make what you will of that. Take your time. Even if eventually you'll still say no, I'm okay with that, but please, never say that I deserve someone better or you're not any good just to push me away.”

With their faces this close together, Changmin looks into Yunho's eyes, even if he knows Yunho’s words to be true. It took some effort not to get lost in them, but as he listened, his own expression became more and more fragile. Not from sadness this time, but from hope. Understanding trickled into him in reverse. He may never stop being harsh to himself and he can never give his heart away completely, at least not at first. But maybe... just maybe... if he did it piece by piece... And then the big one. Yunho loves him. And if Changmin has a semblance of what love is, he's pretty damn sure he feels the same way. And if he does this right, it could work... Time... Time is what he needs and Yunho is giving it to him. That's more than he could ever dream of.  
“Okay…” he whispers, squeezing Yunho's fingers again.

 


End file.
